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'ABOVE - IF THE U.N. IS FINISHED - THIS IS WHAT WE GET + HANS OFF THE UN - 13 JUNE 2003'


11th September 2001
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FROM: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,976514,00.html

HANS OFF THE U.N.

John O'Farrell

Friday June 13, 2003

Hans Blix never planned to be a UN weapons inspector. But when he filled out one of those multiple-choice questionnaires at school, ticking all his interests and qualifications, that's just what came out of the computer. His sister got "nurse", his brother got "engine driver" and Hans got "UN weapons inspector". That'll teach him to tick all the boxes at random as a joke.

Blix is stepping down from his controversial post at the UN but, just before he packs away his souvenir Baghdad shaky snow scene, he has broken with the usual niceties of diplomatic language to attack the US administration.

Claiming that he was smeared by "bastards" within the Pentagon, he added that there are hawks within the Bush regime who would like to see the UN "sink into the East River".

"I believe that there were consistent efforts to undermine me," he told reporters, as Donald Rumsfeld stood behind him tapping his forehead and miming that Blix had gone completely gaga.

Blix's leaving card is already being passed around the Pentagon and one or two of the comments certainly reveal a slight hostility towards the retiring diplomat. "Sorry you are leaving the UN, Hans. THAT'S IF YOU CAN FIND THE GODDAMN DOOR TO YOUR OFFICE!" or "Hope you like your present, Hans, though I expect you'll get a bigger one from your buddy Saddam."

Since he first went out to Iraq with his Observer's Book of Weapons of Mass Destruction, Blix found himself to be a target for both sides in the dispute. Republican hawks felt that Blix was not doing his job properly because he failed to exaggerate the threat posed by Saddam Hussein.

If they'd had their way he would have gone into the Baghdad marketplace urging reporters to wear helmets and protective clothing before they approached the fruit and vegetable stall. "Look at this - a weapon of mass destruction cunningly disguised as a grapefruit.

Plus anthrax cluster bombs in the shape of bananas. And look at these blackcurrants; if thrown at someone with sufficient force these could ruin a perfectly good white shirt."

Meanwhile the Iraqi government said that Blix was "a homosexual who went to Washington every two weeks to receive his instructions". This is of course completely untrue. His office was in New York. Blix says that he used to laugh off all these various smears when he told his wife about them, but constant attacks can get to you eventually.

"Darling did you find the TV remote control?" "LISTEN, I HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET, ALL RIGHT!" he snapped. "IT'S NOT UNDER THE SOFA CUSHIONS OR BEHIND THE TELLY. I THINK IT MAY HAVE BEEN DESTROYED OR BURIED IN THE DESERT SOMEWHERE."

With only a few weeks before he steps down, the U.N. has just set up a committee to organise Blix's leaving party and they are expected to publish a preliminary 500,000-word feasibility study in 2009.

Bush is looking forward to Blix's retirement because he was planning to combine the event with a surprise leaving party for the rest of the UN staff as well. "Leaving party? I didn't know we were leaving?"

"That's the surprise!" says Bush. For 2003 is the year that the U.N. died. The most revealing thing about Blix's interview is his assertion that the Bush administration saw the U.N. as an alien power.

There is no place for the U.N. in Dubya's new world order and henceforth it will be bypassed or disregarded.

[TVOTW Insert - This fact was brought into stark reality just two months later on 19th August 2003 when the CIA planted a giant truck bomb outside the U.N. headquarters in Baghdad and assassinated the U.N. Special Envoy Sergio Vieira De Mello and 21 other U.N. personnel.

Palestinian Mazen Dana a Reuters television cameraman was also assassinated the very same day outside Abu Ghraib prison by Bush soldiers after he had obtained permission to film there. He was shot dead point-blank in broad daylight at a distance of just 30metres.]

To get a sense of the crisis you only have to look at the last debate in that famous chamber: Motion 762/a - "Is the United Nations being ignored?"

Well what does the American representative have to say about this? "Er, he's not here Mr Chair, he said he had some shopping to do." "Oh.

All right, what about the British delegate?" "Er, well he's not here either, I think he's carrying the shopping..."

The last few remaining delegates never heard any of this anyway; they were trying to surpass their Snake high scores on their mobile phones.

With the U.N. being ignored to death, Dubya's secret plan will have worked and the organisation will be formally wound up.

Hundreds of unemployed translators will be cast on to the streets of New York, saying: "Excuse me, can you spare some change please? Excusez-moi, avez -vous de la monnaie? Scusi, posso avere dei soldi per favore? "

And brash posters will be slapped all over the historic building that offered the world so much hope in 1945.

"UN- Closing Down Sale!

Everything must go!

International law, global security and US accountability!

We've gone crazy! Third world aid - slashed!

Development programmes, going fast!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! It's the biggest sell-out in history!"

FROM: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,976514,00.html

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